Hellloo-ooooooooo!!!!!!! I've been thinking that this space would feel like a cold, damp, forgotten room where old camping gear sits and spreads, where you never want to show first time visiting guests when giving the grand tour. But of course, so much of how we feel in any given place is so often what we bring into it. Which is to say that perhaps I've been feeling parts of myself becoming cold and damp, a bit forgotten, and that returning here scratches an itch that's been burning for a little while now.
Since we've last spoken, so much has happened that I can hardly contain myself. Austin and I found a tiny, charming apartment in the hippest little neighborhood in San Francisco that I ever did see. And! He's working full time in a job that he's enjoying. And! The last time I traveled to Seattle for work, I didn't pine to live there again. I pined for my sweet friends who still call it home, but not for the place itself. And! (last one) I quit my job last week, and will be working with a company in these parts, with an office and people to see and be seen with everyday.
But, you know, more on that later. I was talking with a dear friend yesterday about this new move on my horizon, and how my quality of life is sure to improve from where it has been. An Italian anxiety-case at heart, I always jump to what could and will surely go wrong: I'll fail at this job, I'm making a horrible mistake, being on a more traditional schedule will take over my life, that I'll spend my entire existance commuting and being angry. But, I confessed, working from home five days a week has been more trying than I ever thought it could be. While I would never claim that I understand depression or how it works, I feel depressed during the business hours of Monday-Friday, so resigning and lonely. And then my friend said something that stuck. She said, "you are a soulful person, and there's nothing soulful about your days right now." She's right, of course she's right, but it got me thinking that there is a domino effect when it comes to our habits, or at least to my habits.
Fulfillment breeds more fulfillment, and gratitude breeds more gratitude. Just like resignation breeds more of the same, and so does dullness. There are seasons and then there are choices to end those seasons, and I'm not sure I have much more to say except that I feel back and that is no small thing.